Breaking: Hot Couple You Served Doesn’t Want to Have Sex with You Because, Well, You’re a Five

GERMANTOWN, MARYLAND — Despite your attempt to seduce couple Anna and Mark Brovinowtz by scrawling “I know how to satisfy both a man and a woman” at the top of their dinner check, the two polyamorous patrons declined your offer on Friday to come back to your place after your shift was over at Red Lobster to watch an episode of The Mandalorian and explore your body. “We’re actually a very sexually open couple — we like to play with both men and women. So it’s not that we don’t enjoy threesomes with men, it’s just that he’s like a five and we’re both nines,” said Anna, noting that your asymmetrical, square face makes you look like an inbred Gumby. According to one source, you were seen crying in the parking lot after your shift. When reporters approached you, you declined to comment on the inappropriate nature of your conduct and quickly drove to the McDonald’s across the street, where you ordered two McChickens and a large fry before peeling off singing “Screaming Infidelities” by Dashboard Confessional at the top of your lungs. If you are reading this now, management wishes to speak with so they can fire you for making everyone uncomfortable and sad.